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When your heart breaks & you don’t know how to pray.



It’s a funny feeling really.  For so many years you are trained (conditioned) for moments such as these.  Moments that take our breath away (but not in a good way).  You are supposed to pray…and pray…and pray.  But for what?  About what?  For whom?  It is in times of deep hurt and pain that the mystery of God is most clouded; most obscured. 

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” – C.S. Lewis

People often use the phrase “God works in mysterious ways” as a comfort(!).  Wait – what the f*ck?!  Is that supposed to make me feel better or do you desire punch to the face?  God’s Mystery sure has a real way of deepening the sadness, the pain, and the excruciating anxiety.  If God – and his love and his work – is such a mystery, why are we so confident (& quick) in making it a pillar on which to place our faith?

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” – Charles Spurgeon

This Mystery has a way of beating us up.  Fear/grief/confusion/general heartache.  It all plays a part in our faith journey.  It can humble us to believing more deeply.  It can harden us to denying more adamantly.  Why would a good and loving God permit this wave of suffering that is so divisive; so polarizing?  Why should I waste my breath praying?  Sometimes, I just have to confess: “God, I don’t know how to pray right now.”

“Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in the confidence that He will provide the help we need.” – John Piper

Fortunately, God is also a jealous God (which is an entirely different conversation) and I have (so far) ended up on the “believing more deeply” side of the aisle.

 “The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man.” – G.K. Chesterton

How can I presume to know much about this crazy Mystery?  I cannot (& should not).  But, I do know God reveals himself – his character – in the midst of our weeping.  People often think God only shouts His love, His truths, His wrath…but I find God also has a habit of whispering.  Whispering requires another to cease their cacophony of deafening self-love and self-comfort.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

To know God (and continue learning about Him) is to find peace; peace in knowing we will not fully know the Mystery.  It can take a long to time to know you won't know.  Being okay with that reality.  And – let me tell you – what a joy it is when you finally reach that point.

Joy Unspeakable.

“But to enjoy him we must know him. Seeing is savoring. If he remains a blurry, vague fog, we may be intrigued for a season. But we will not be stunned with joy, as when the fog clears and you find yourself on the brink of some vast precipice.” – John Piper



*Dedicated to a friend.



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